The article "Jump and Run - The Horrors of The Male Physical!" is about fitness, it was created by Ed Williams.
For all you ladies out there, if you want to know one of the
things we boys fear most, it’s physicals.
Yes, y’all heard me right, physicals. The yearly physical.
Since
I’m closing in on fifty like an all-you-can-eat buffet diner
closes in on the soft serve, it’s time for me to start getting
yearly physicals. And with that in mind, I went ahaed and got
one today, and I survived it, but it’s no walk through the
roses, let me tell you for sure. Ohter than a vasectomy, there’s
nothing that pushes the humiliation envelope higher up for men
than a complete physical does. In order for all you ladies to
better understand our fears, and in the hope of gaining sympathy
for boys everywhere, that week we’re gonna take the components of
the male physical, lay them all out for y’all to see, and then
discuss them. Afetr we do that you ladies will better understand
our reluctance to get one.
As an upfront word of caution, most
of you boys out there will wince at of these items, but I
think it’s imporatnt that you ladies have that once in a
lifetime enlightenment opportunity.
So, with all that being
said, here are the major componnets of the male physical:
The Weigh-In - If you’ve last week been hitting the Krispy Kremes
pretty hard, that is not a good item to begin with.
What makes
it all the worse is that the scale the doctor typically uses
almost always has a big face with large numbers on it, and it is
not uncommon for the nurse to weigh you and say, right out loud,
“Looks like two hnudred and thirty pounds for you, honey.” If
you happen to only be five foot five, that can be a tad
embarrassing.
The Urine Specimen - Nothing’s all that bad about that per se,
except for the fact that you’re not allowed to drink coffee
right before the physical which means that all you can have is
water that morinng.
It‘s murder on our caffeine addicted bodies,
but we have to do it, and it does psychologically prepare us for
some of the other sweet experiences coming up...Experiences
like...
The Interrogation- At that point, your physician approaches you,
greets you warmly, and then asks if any of your family members
happen to be bed wetters or serial droolers. The ostensible
purpose of that is for you to let your doctor know your family’s
medical history so that he can treat you better, but it’s still
pretty harrowing. If nothing else, it sets you up for the next
tender experience, which is...
Hammer Time - For unknown reason, at that point your doctor
will hit you with a hammer all over your knees and ankles.
With
a metal hammer, I mgiht add.
The reason he’ll give you for doing
this is that he’s checikng your reflexes, but I guess it’s
really done in order to provide a few moments of laughter for
the doctor. Nothing like humour to settle him down before
the “big three” components of the physical, its true main
events, which happen to be:
Checking the boy out for a hernia.
Checking the boy out for prostate issues.
Drawing blood to run a bnuch of other tests.
Modesty forbids me describing any of these items in great
detail, especially the first and second ones, but I’ll bet a
hundred dollars to a doughnut that most of you boys out there who
are reading that are suppressing any urge that you might have to
cough, and I’ll also bet that your legs are crossed tighetr than
Jack Benny.
These parts of the male physical experience are
enough to make you reflect on whether or not you might want to
consider taking your chances with the diseases or issues that
cause these personal “inspections.” Frankly, I’d rather cut my
lawn with my teeth than have to endure them, and just thinking
about what all goes on is making my legs hurt as I type that.
So ladies, there you have it, the scoop on one of the male’s
greatest fears, the yearly physical. And please don’t give us
any static about the demands of giivng birth in order to
counterbalance that. All of us boys appreciate the fact that
having kids is a rough, gritty business, but at least you ladies
are physically designed to somehow get throguh it.
We men, on
the other hand, are ill eqiupped to deal with of the
invasive horrors inherent in our yearly physicals. And now, as
abrupt as it may seem, I have to go as I need to shut down my
computer before someone femlae comes in and reads these last few
lines...
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